From Fuzzy Memories by Jack Handey:
"There used to be a house on our block that we thought was haunted, because you'd hear people screaming inside and because people who went in never came out. Later on we found out it was just a murderer's house."
"Once, when I got lost in the woods, I was afraid that eventually I might have to eat Tippy. But finally I found my way home, and I was able to put Tippy back in the refrigerator with my other sandwiches."
"Mom always told me that I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, "within reason." When I asked her what she meant by "within reason," she said, "You ask a lot of questions for a garbage man."
"Maybe it's my imagination, but food seemed to taste better when I was a kid. Also, food would sing and dance and play musical instruments. But that could also have been my imagination."
"Hey, sport, how would you like to go for a drive in the country -- just you and me?" Grandpa had hardly finished the question before I was in the front seat of that big Buick of his. It was a beautiful sunny day, perfect for cruising the back roads.
Suddenly we swerved off onto a narrow dirt road and skidded to a stop. Grandpa hustled me down into a gully, where this weird European-looking couple was waiting. They looked me up and down, even checking my teeth. Finally they told Grandpa, "No. No goot."
Grandpa said, "Yes, goot," but that didn't seem to satisfy them. Then Grandpa said okay, but they couldn't have the money back they already paid him.
Then we got back in the car and drove home."
More Handey wisdom here. And hey, he writes for The New Yorker too! About Martians.
Hope to be at Terno Au Go Go tomorrow. See y'all there!
6 hours ago