Monday, March 28, 2005

Can I Love You?

Luis has lent me his copy of Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs (incidentally, a book I would not carry prominently on the top of a laundry pile in an elevator with strangers, if I were you), a book of essays from SPIN senior writer Chuck Klosterman. He's a very smart guy who has decided to use his brain for criticism of "low" (i.e., pop) culture, instead of, say, thinking of ways to end poverty, and I for one appreciate that. The book has chapters with titles like "This is Emo," "Every Dog Must Have his Day, Every Drunk Must Have His Drink," "Sulking with Lisa Loeb on the Planet Hoth," and, Paul's personal favorite, "Porn."

Filed under "The Lady and the Tiger" is what Chuck says are "the twenty-three questions I ask everybody I meet in porder to decide if I can really love them." Really useful stuff, actually, and while we will not infringe on Mr. Klosterman's copyright by posting all 23 questions, I would like to post one from time to time, to help our blogmates figure out the important things in life.

Today's question:

You're a Good Man, Chuck Klosterman#5: You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make evey song you hear--for the rest of your life--sound as if it's being performed by Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you). Would you swallow this pill?


markmomukhamo said...

Is that before or after he died? heh.

Of course I'll swallow the pill. If only to hear the world through Alice in Chains. Now if it it was Yanni...

Robyn said... That depends. I don't believe in soul mates to begin with so I guess that points me to the answer "no" in addition to that I'd probably shoot myself in the head if all the music I loved ended up sounding like stuff I couldn't stand after a while. Even my own voice, which is annoying enough...the soul mate would have to be a damn good one!

Kristine F. said...

If the soul mate DID suck, I would be really, really pissed off, because I would swallow that damn pill. More out of guilt than anything else, because I wouldn't want to listen to good music and then think about how someone's collarbones would have to be broken for that.

Luis K. said...

Aren't soulmates worth it, by definition? ;p But just in case they aren't, I wonder if the condition is reversible. Like, say, if the two of you eventually break up -- and let me just point out that the constant irritation wrought by all songs sounding the same would increase the likelihood of this happening -- will the music in your life go back to normal? Or will you be stuck with bitter memories and Alice in Chains, forever?

Kristine F. said...

Anansi Girl: In my experience, people who say they're vindictive and mean turn out to be the sweethearts. It's usually the people who go out of their way to prove that they're lambs are the ones who turn out to be lions who actually enjoy a good meal of very fresh lambchop once in a while.